Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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