You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
