I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
