I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
