So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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