is your mom at the bar?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
