I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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