Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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