you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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