He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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