I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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