I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
i out mim tonsoeep
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