Yo dont text me then not text me
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i wish my penis had a tongue
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
