I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
So here I am, sexting at work.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
