Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
