you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
