yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
