you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
