Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
my mouth tastes like poor choices
and you said cock pushups were impossible
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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