My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
