I think im going to throw up on grandma
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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