He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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