i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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