Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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