Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
