chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
