Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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