a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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