Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
we're making bets on your personal life
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
