take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor