The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i just had sex bonerless
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".