she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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