once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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