i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
