Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
