You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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