why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
my phone needs a breathalizer
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
The struggles of a small town man whore
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
