just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
