You really coming over, don't trick.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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