You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
