he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
