He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
