I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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