He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
