somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
This baby is an asshole
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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