I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
