We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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