is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
