Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
