New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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