everyone is single if you try hard enough
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
