I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
where does the pee come out of this thing
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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