Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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