I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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