he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
