Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
