I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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