how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
