woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
