The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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