apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
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i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
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I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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