if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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