this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
